Ruminants (or Why Tofu is King)
by still too old for this
Summary: Come to think of it, why DOESN'T Beast Boy turn into a cow and eat grass when he's hungry?


I have no rights to the Titans whatsoever.

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"I'm hungry!"

"Me too!"

"Well, I'm hungrier!"

"Man, I could eat a whole cow!"

"That's disgusting, murderer!" There was a pause. "I'm still hungry."

"Would you two shut up already, we're all hungry."

The five heroes, collectively known as the Teen Titans, continued to walk through the pastures. It was, now, a clear sunny day. An hour ago it was not. It had been stormy as the heroes were flying across the plains on their way back to Jump City after a mission back east. Unfortunately, as is quite prevalent in that region of the country (just ask Dorothy) a tornado sprung up unexpectedly and, between the winds and the lightning, completely wrecked their aircraft. Cyborg was able to land the T-Ship without any injuries to any of the titans, but the resulting crash completely disabled anything that had not been already destroyed so the teens were stranded.

Lost in the plains (no, that's not the wilderness), the titans trudged for miles looking for signs of civilization. Robin took out his GPS again. It was only working sporadically since the lightning strike, but the last time he was able to get a reading, there was a town about another 20 miles southwest of their position. It was still too far for the flyers to carry the non-flyers, so they continued to walk, or float in Raven's case.

If you've ever been in the plains states, you know that while the scenery can be quite beautiful, there is a sameness that goes on for miles. And miles. And still MORE miles. This is farm country, so there is little to see other than pastures. Depending on the farm, you have your choice. It could be wheat; it could be corn; could be soybeans; sunflowers; etc., etc. In this case, it was actually open pastureland where cows were being raised. Hence the subject matter.

"But Robin, look right there. A whole cow. We could butcher him and eat…"

"First, it's not a 'him', it's a her. Second, I'm not going to just let you kill a poor innocent cow to satisfy your murderous, sick cravings for dead flesh."

"Look, string bean, you can just join your friend here munching away on grass. The rest of us are HUNGRY."

Before the green teen could retort, Robin interrupted, "That's enough out of both of you. I know you're bored AND hungry. So are the rest of us. We'll get to a town soon enough to get something to eat, meanwhile KNOCK IT OFF!" The two titans immediately shut up, for the most part, and they continued walking.

A few moments later, Raven broke the silence. "Actually Beast Boy, that's a good question. Why DON'T you change into a cow and eat the grass? You really do have other options that the rest of us don't."

"Cause Chrome Dome would come after me with a knife and fork, thinking I was dinner." The shape changer replied in a disgusted tone.

"No way I would go after your scrawny ass. Everyone knows that after food turns green its gone bad."

"Would you two KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!" Robin interjected. The two friends quieted down again.

After a moment, the boy wonder spoke again. "You know, Raven brings up a good point. Why DON'T you change into a cow and eat grass?" It looked like Beast Boy was going to give a snarky response from the look on his face when Robin continued, "And we're serious, for once answer the question without causing trouble."

Beast Boy let out a long breath and looked a bit troubled. After a moment, he shrugged his shoulders and replied, "OK, seriously, there's a couple of reasons."

The titans stopped walking and turned to look at their green friend. It wasn't often he was willing to tell them something personal with it being an emergency. They weren't going to miss a word of this.

"Look, what are most of the animals that eat grass?"

"Cows"

"Sheep"

"Goats"

"Snorfblasters"

Everyone turned to look at Starfire. She ducked her head down, "Oh, you mean earth animals….uhhh….I do not know many of those types of animals."

"Well, you can add llamas, camels, bisons and a variety of other animals to the list you already gave. But there's a bit of a problem with all of them regarding eating grass. It's HOW they eat grass." The titans looked at the changeling with puzzled looks.

"They chew it up, and it goes into their stomach. Then it moves to another part of their stomach." Robin looked up, comprehension dawning on his face.

"Ruminants," he said with a satisfied look on his face.

Beast Boy looked at him. "You figured it out, didn't you?" The titan leader nodded. The others continued to look confused. He continued, "Ruminants are types of animals that use different parts of their stomachs to digest plants, usually grass."

"Wait a minute," interrupted Cyborg, "I thought cows had four stomachs?"

"No, they really have one stomach, it just has four compartments. So, the cow eats the grass, digests part of it, then regurgitates it. That's what the cud is. And most grazing animals chew their cud. Then they swallow it again to go to the next part of the stomach."

The three titans, Cyborg, Raven and Starfire, still looked confused. Starfire spoke up, "I do not understand. I have nine stomachs and while I do not chew this 'cud' you speak of, depending on what food I eat it goes to different stomachs and bypasses others. Why do you not do that?"

"Cause Star, it takes a lot of time." They still looked confused. "OK, guess I gotta spell it out. Want to guess what happens when I change BACK to human." They still looked confused. "I only have ONE stomach." Suddenly, Raven looked fairly disgusted, then Cyborg did. Starfire still looked confused.

"Star, I would then have a stomach full of partially eaten grass. I'd be throwing up the entire thing in seconds and not getting any benefit out the grass. That's kind of what happens when dogs eat grass, can't digest it and throw it back up."

"Well," continued Raven, "that makes some sense. But why don't you stay as a cow until it's digested?"

"It takes hours and hours. Cows are nice, but I don't really want to be one for a day or two waiting to digest grass. It's easier to eat regular food."

The goth sorceress nodded her head again, "Mystery solved." The titans resumed walking.

After a few moments, Robin stopped and turned to Beast Boy. He spoke again, "You said there were a couple of reasons. You only gave one, what's the other?"

"Huh?"

"Back at the beginning, you said there were a 'couple' of reasons why you don't eat grass. You just gave one. What's the other?"

The changeling looked up at the sky and shook his head, "Would you believe I didn't mean it?" Robin shook his head in return and, grinning, mouthed the word "No". Beast Boy gave a venomous look at his friend and muttered "Stupid boy wonder."

"All right, the OTHER reason is cause of the type of animals I usually use when I fight."

"Wait a minute, Traffic light over here figured out the first one. Let the rest of us have another shot at it," the metal titan interrupted.

"Ok, Cy, you're on. Let's figure this out. BB, you just said it had to do with the animals you use. Let's see, you're a T-Rex."

"Bear" said Cyborg

"Lion" answered Raven

"You are a number of birds when you fly." Starfire interjected.

"Gorilla"

"Snakes"

The titans looked around at each other trying to come up with other creatures. "I'm guessing you don't count animals that you'd use for a specific reason, like mice and spiders to spy on folks. And we'll exclude fish since there's not much call for those. Other than variations on what we've just mentioned, it that pretty much it?" Robin asked.

"Yeah, that's it. OK, since we're making a game of my life, what do those forms have in common?"

"Predators," the titan leader immediately replied.

"What a minute," interrupted Cyborg, "Gorillas aren't predators."

"You're both wrong, though Rob is on the right track. They are all meat eaters, gorillas are not exactly predators like we usually think, by they WILL go after small game to supplement their diet and eat meat. Star, even most of the bird forms I take are predators, hawks, falcons, eagles."

"OK Beast Boy." Raven replied, "What does the meat eating have to do with it? You don't eat meat."

"That's completely it. I don't eat meat. You don't know WHY they eat meat."

"Cause it tastes good," interrupted Cyborg in an undertone.

Ignoring his teammate, the green teen continued, "They need the meat because it provides enough protein and energy for them to hunt. You don't see the grazing animals use up that much energy. They're just not active enough. And if they want to be that active, like birds, they have to eat constantly, up to half their weight every day. I can't take that much time to eat if I'm going to fight. I need something that has lots of protein and energy to keep me going."

"And in order to do that you need something high in protein," answered Robin.

"That isn't meat," continued Raven.

"Tofu" they all finished.

"Right. High in protein and nutrients that will allow me to take all of those meat eating forms that I use to fight. Peanuts and other things will do as well, but tofu can be mixed with anything and used for anything. So, I eat tofu."

The titans resumed walking. After another moment, Cyborg asked, "Seriously though, I know you eat tofu for the energy. Have you ever eaten meat? Or would you do it if you got desperate?"

The only sound was that of the titans walking. It seemed as if Beast Boy was not going to answer the question. Then, in a low voice he said.

"I've done some things I'm not proud of in my life. When you're seven and starving…" he trailed off. "I will not eat meat again if there's any way to avoid it. I ate Robin's ham when those chemicals hit me and still feel terrible about it. Do you mind if we change the subject."

The titans were quiet for a while and continued to walk. Beast Boy was walking slowly and was trailing the others, save for Raven who was starting to drift next to him and they began to talk quietly. After a while, Robin, in a quiet voice, spoke to Cyborg.

"Look, in the future, even as a prank, don't hide his tofu."

"Yeah, guess not. Still going to rag on him about it though."

"Oh, that's no problem, just don't hide it. I'd rather him be at full strength when we go into battle."

"Understood."

"After all," Robin continued, "if he can't get enough energy to keep his T-Rex shape going, you don't know what he'll do to maintain it." He paused, then with a smirk, "And there are four ready made sandwiches right in front of him if he decides vegetarianism is a waste of time."

Cyborg gave a start, "Yeeeaaahhh, right."

The titans continued walking towards the nearest town.

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Hi folks. Several years ago I participated in a joint work with four marvelous writers. Collectively we were Zorkaberry Pie and write a story named "Ganguro". No, I'm not plugging it, but the genesis of this little one-shot is that story. In one of the chapters I did, a fill-in for one of the others, I had BB's stomach growling and Raven saying he could eat grass. BB said it tasted terrible and that was the end of it.

Well, that throw away line always bugged me. If he was a cow or something, the grass would/should taste fine. So why WOULDN'T BB eat grass. When I write, I don't just give a haphazard answer and pretend it didn't matter. So a few months ago I finally came upon an idea of why. I have very little time to write anymore (folks, don't get old, once the warranty expires, everything breaks down) so it took me several weeks to write this short piece. I tried to approach it in an interesting, humorous way as opposed to the more dark pieces I generally write, while still being informative. Hope everyone enjoyed it.

Until next time.


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